I'm going down to South Park Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation
I'm going down to South Park Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"
I'm heading on up to South Park Gonna see if I can't unwind
So come on down to South Park And meet some friends of mine
Now I will kill the President and kill Salma Hayek!
Oh, save me! Who will save me?
I will!
James West, cowboy and rap star.
Quick, Artemus Clyde Frog! We've got to save to Salma Hayek!
If we save her, I am going to take off her pants and play Slip 'n Slide.
Are you okay, Salma Hayek?
Yes, but I need to get out of here and eat some tacos and burritos.
You can not stop me, James West!
Look out Artemus Clyde Frog! It's Giant Metal Spider. Bang. Bang.
Yo, yo, yo! Jiggy, jiggy wit it. Bang. Bang. Bang.
We saved the day!
Wild Wild West! Wild Wild Wild West!
Yo! A wiki wiki scratch! A wiki wiki scratch!
Eric, the babysitter is here. Come on downstairs.
But Mom, I'm playing Wild Wild West.
I have to leave soon, Eric.
But Mom, me and Artemus Clyde Frog
still have to do our love scene with Salma Hayek.
Come down as soon as you're done.
Well, I'm a bad ass cowboy Living in the cowboy days
Wiki wiki scratch! Yo, yo! Bang, bang
Me and Artemus Clyde Frog gonna save Salma Hayek from the big metal spider
Wiki wiki wik wiki wiki wik Fresh cowboy from the West Side
Thank you so much for babysitting little Eric, Shelly.
Okay.
All his other babysitters won't come back.
I charge $5 for the first hour, 5% bumps every hour after that,
up to six hours, which enters into golden time.
That sounds fine. I'm going to a meteor shower party.
The number where I'll be is on the refrigerator.
Eric's snookie time is 9:00 sharp.
If his little woogums get cold, you can turn up the heat over here.
And if he gets cranky, just play Tummy Rub-Rubs with him.
And make sure he wipes good after he makes bears.
- Bears? - Oh, and don't mind the cat.
She's just being loud because she's in heat.
No, Kitty, I don't have anything.
What the hell is wrong with you? Stop it, Kitty!
Stop being such a bad God damned Kitty!
Okay, Muffin, Mommy's leaving now.
You do what the babysitter tells you, okay?
Be good.
- Right. - Come give Mommy Eskimo kisses!
- Ma! - Eskimo kisses for Mommy.
Jesus Christ.
Bye, kids!
Well, go put that pizza in the oven, bitch. I'm hungry.
All right, turd, listen up!
Now that your mom is gone, I'm in charge!
I don't know how you treat your other babysitters,
but when I'm babysitting, you're nothing but a little turd.
You're a stinky, dried-up stupid turd. Got it?
You can't hit me.
Didn't you see those nanny videos on TV?
My boyfriend is coming over,
so you go to the kitchen and you make us that pizza
before I snap you in half like the little turd stick you are!
You're not allowed to have people over.
Move!
This is bullcrap!
- I can't reach the freezer! - Figure it out, turd!
God damn it!
Shut up, Kitty!
"Any problems, contact Eric's mommy at 303..."
Aha!
I'm gonna call Mom and tell her that the babysitter
is having a boyfriend come over. Then we'll see who's the turd.
So I said, "You're a little turd." And he...
Damn it.
But if you've seen one turd, you've seen them all...
- Stupid turd, but one... - Hey! I need to use the phone!
Hold on a second, Carrie...
I pulled his underwear over his head.
I'm gonna get her, Kitty. Mark my words!
Shut the hell up, Kitty!
And now back to the movie of the week, Aliens.
They mostly come at night. Mostly.
"They mostly come at night. Mostly."
- Hey, I was watching Aliens on TV! - Well, I'm watching Friends, turd!
That's my boyfriend. Go answer the door while I make sure
I don't have food in my braces.
- Hey, is Shelly around? - Who the hell are you?
I'm the guy who's gonna put a boot up your ass,
- If you don't tell me where Shelly is. - Hey, Skyler!
- You know this guy? - He's my boyfriend.
- Christ! He's like 50 years old! - He's 22!
Dude, that's not cool.
You're a turd! You're the Turdman of Alcatraz!
Yeah.
Dude, when my mom finds out that my babysitters had their boyfriends over,
she mostly gets really mad. Mostly.
- God damn it! - Turd wedgie.
Come in the kitchen, Skyler, there's refreshments.
And now back to Wild Animal World.
Here, in the more arid regions of Africa,
the Gold Coat lions are in the throes of mating season.
The male lion positions himself behind the female,
and prepares to insert his lionhood. Notice his large, swollen balls.
The female lion relaxes her body and says "Hello" to Mr. Winky.
The male lion is enticed by the female's supple breasts and firm backside.
Quickly and suddenly, the male is finished.
Now he wants to be alone, so he kindly asks the female to leave.
He promises he'll call her tomorrow.
But the female doesn't leave. Nope, she's moving right in.
Looks like the male lion is screwed.
No, Skyler, quit it.
Come on, babe. How long have we known each other?
- Eight days, tomorrow. - And I still don't get any action.
I don't know, Skyler.
It's just kind of strange to me that you're 22 and all.
But I'm still in high school. I told you, I'm a very immature 22-year-old.
Well, maybe just one kiss.
Hey! What are you doing?
- Beat it, chubby. - Go on, Astroturd!
- I'm gonna tell my mom on you. - Turd rock from the sun.
- Hey! You ate all the pizza! - We left you some crusts.
That does it! I'm calling my mom right now and busting your ass!
- Guess again, Richard the Turd. - Give me that phone number!
Come on, babe. Let's go to the living room.
I am not going to be bossed around by a chick!
Maybe I'll just use my Wild Wild West techniques
and get proof that Shelly had a boyfriend over.
God damn it, Kitty. You have to calm down!
Here, I'll get you some catnip.
Okay, okay, hold on. I'll find the catnip.
Black darkness fills my icy soul Demons from Hell seek the chosen one
- You're such an amazing poet, Skyler. - Isn't this guitar awesome?
It's the best of its kind. And not a scratch on it.
Skyler, not here.
I can't help it. I see your pretty lips, and I want to kiss them.
Really?
I cherish you almost as much as I cherish my guitar.
- Wow. - When I make it to the big time,
I'm gonna take you shopping and buy you lots of bad ass stuff.
Oh, Skyler, I love you.
- What the... - Ha, ha! Charade you are!
- Looks like you're the turd now! - Give me that picture!
Open this door, turdle dove!
I think not. I'm gonna show this picture to my mom when she gets home!
You're mom doesn't get home for three more hours.
That's plenty of time for me to make a turd sandwich out of you.
- Give me that picture, turd! - You're never gonna get this picture!
Not until my mom comes home and I can prove you had a boyfriend over!
I'm gonna bust this door down!
What should we do, Artemus Clyde Frog?
We've got to get that picture to your mom
so that she will come home and save us.
That's quick thinking, Artemus Clyde Frog.
Listen very carefully, Mr. Kitty.
I am putting this picture of the babysitter and her boyfriend on your collar.
You have to take this picture to Mommy, Kitty, so that she can come home
and save me.
Now run, Kitty! Take the picture to Mommy, and lead her back here.
When you return, be sure to bring Mom in through the back door.
Hurry, Kitty! You're my only hope.
That's it. That's it Mr. Kitty!
God damn it!
Who is that?
I invited the guys in the band over so that we can practise.
- Skyler, your band can't practise here. - Hey, do you want me to make it or not?
Don't stand between me and my dreams, babe.
'Sup, Mark? 'Sup, Jonesey?
Just keep the volume down. I have to go deal with turd-boy.
Hey! Who was that? Who came to the door?
Eric! Your mom's been in an accident!
You just want me to open the door.
We need to run over to the hospital and identify her body.
- We'll be right back. - What? Is she okay?
- Not really, she's dead. - Huh?
That was a turd trick! Your mom isn't really dead.
I knew it was a turd trick, and I opened the door
because Mr. Kitty is on his way right now to my mom's party with the picture!
I knew you sent the cat, and that's why I went outside and got him!
I saw you get the picture back from Mr. Kitty,
and that's why I wrote a letter to the press,
to be opened in case of my demise.
Should anything happen to me, that letter will go out,
- And you will never find it. - You mean this one?
Okay, let's see now...
Damn it!
Okay, check, check... Check one, two, check...
Okay, ready? All right, let's try the new song.
This is a song I wrote for you, Shelly. One, two... One, two, three, four...
When I saw her walking down the street I thought she was Shelly, Shelly
Man, you guys suck.
Now that we're together, I'm absolutely sure that she's Shelly, Shelly
You're the crappiest band I've ever heard!
Move into my mom's house with me Shelly, Shelly
Bridge.
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States
of Shelly, Shelly
Oh, my God, somebody shoot me in the head!
- Hey! Shut up, tubby! - Don't call me fat!
Now, you guys are not supposed to be in here!
You get out now and respect my authority!
Yeah, dude. That was hot. This guitar rocks, man. It rocks!
What do you think, Shelly?
Honestly, I think you guys need some work.
- Oh, really? - I just think your sound is kind of
last week.
Well, I'd like to see you do any better, bitch!
- Well, I do have a song I wrote. - Okay, why don't you sing it for us?
- No, Skyler, I'm embarrassed. - Hey, man, don't be shy.
Well, okay. I'll try, but I'm not promising anything.
One, two, three, four...
So much pain in the world today Too many turds are heading my way
But we can face the turds together Passing by turds whenever
Don't you know it's a...
Life's so void of happiness Feel free to mark my words
But me and you We'll muddle through
In a world that's full of turds
- Turds! - Turds!
Dime a dozen, sphincter loving turds
- Turds! - Turds!
Mom, the babysitter has her boyfriend over.
Oh, no, no. That's impossible, hon. I told her no visitors.
Well, there's a whole crappy band here. Can you hear them?
This party is very loud, Poopiekins. You'll have to speak up.
Damn it! Her boyfriend is here. Don't you believe me?
Not really, hon. Mom has to go now. I'll be home in about an hour.
- Oh, Mr. Mackey! - M'kay.
I'll never be able to prove that son of a bitch was here!
My Speak and Record Bear! Of course!
In a world that's full of turds
Turds!
- Dude, this is gay. - Shut up!
You shut up! Your girlfriend is not joining our band!
Yeah, dude. What the hell's wrong with you anyway?
- She's, like, 12! - You guys get out!
Don't question my love! My love is as pure as morning snow.
Get out, I said!
Testing, testing, one, two...
Sweet.
We're gonna go outside to watch the meteor shower.
I'm locking you in your room till we get back in, turd!
- Okay. See you in a while. - What?
Will you tell me what it looked like? The meteor shower?
They mostly only come every few years. Mostly.
What the hell is wrong with you?
How come you're not yelling and whining?
Well, I just... I kind of like having you around.
- What? No you don't! - No, I'm seriously...
See, I never had a brother or a sister.
I think people that have a brother or sister, don't realise how lucky they are.
Sure, they fight a lot, but to know that there's always somebody there,
somebody that's family. I wonder if...
Well, maybe sometimes I could pretend like you're my big sister,
and you could kind of watch over me.
You know, like we could watch a meteor shower together sometime,
and I could pretend I'm somebody's brother, if only for a day.
All right, get your turd coat.
You can come see the meteor shower with us.
- You mean it? - But don't bug me and Skyler!
- Come on! - Hooray!
Yes. And when I have you and your boyfriend's voices
on my Speak and Record Bear,
then you'll mostly never baby-sit me again. Mostly.
Yes, yes. What a beautiful night.
It is Saturday, the 12th at 10:45, and my mother is away at a party right now.
Shut up, turd!
That, of course, is the voice of my babysitter, Shelly Marsh, age 12.
- What are you doing? - I'm just thinking out loud.
Do you have anything to say, Skyler,
Shelly's boyfriend who is sitting right now?
Go away, turd!
I'm sorry, did you say something, Skyler?
Yeah, come on. Give it up.
- No! No! - Give it up, babe.
- Come on, baby. - No, Skyler. I'm not putting out for you.
- Why the hell not? - 'Cause I'm 12!
- You're not gonna put out for me? - No!
Well then screw you, bitch! I've got plenty of other girlfriends that will.
What? But I thought you liked me.
If you're not putting out, then I'm moving on.
There's plenty of chicks like you out there.
Screw you, prude bitch!
Me and my bad ass guitar are going home! Hasta!
Gotcha.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah Wiki wiki wild west
Shelly, guess who's busted?
Hey! I said guess who's busted?
You're not gonna trick me. I got the goods on you!
I don't care.
He acted like he really liked me. Nobody's ever liked me before.
I can't believe I trusted him. I'm so stupid!
Well, dude, he's 22. What were you doing with him anyways?
Nobody my age will go out with me 'cause I'm too ugly.
- You're not ugly. - You don't think so?
Well, you're pretty ugly, but you don't have to be dating 22-year-olds.
I mean, what kind of scumbag asshole dates 12-year-old girls?
You're right, he is a scumbag. I wish I could get him back.
- I just don't know how. - Well, I could ask Artemus Clyde Frog.
- He would know. - Huh?
- If you want, I could help you. - Really? You would do that?
Just let me get my cowboy hat.
What the hell is this?
Help me. Help me. This is Salma Hayek, is anybody there?
Salma Hayek? Whoa, she's hot!
Okay, it's clear!
Over here! Please, come quick!
- We don't have much time. - This won't take me long.
- Hurry up in there! - I'm almost done.
Hello? Hello? Mrs. Hayek?
Over here! Please help me. I am lost, and I have no clothes.
No clothes. Rad.
I'm over here! Please help me. I will reward you greatly.
- I'm right here, Ms. Hayek! - Please help me!
- What the... - Please help me. I will give you tacos.
Dude, somebody tricked me!
I'll make you pay for making me come out here. God damn it!
Stupid asshole stuffed animals trying to ruin my night!
My guitar! No!
That was so cool! I wish we could have seen his face.
Thanks for all your help, Eric.
You know, as far as turds go, you're okay.
Oh, my God!
- They're having a cat orgy! - You are all very bad kitties!
- That is a bad, bad kitty! - Your mom's gonna be home soon,
- We're gonna get busted! - Come on, kitties. Outside. Come on.
That's it. Come on, come on!
You two ruined my career. I'm gonna get you.
What are you doing? You ripped my pants off.
Oh, my God, I'm not a cat!
Come on, we gotta get the house cleaned before your mom gets home.
You know, Eric.
It's kind of cool that two people who hated each other can be friends.
Yeah, I think we get along okay.
Hi, kids. I'm home.
Mom, I can explain.
It was all Shelly's fault. She didn't watch the cat.
No, it was Eric's fault. He let the cats in here.
What a party that was!
- Wow. She passed out. - Luckily for us, my mom's a total lush.
Well, let's clean up the house. Looks like everything turned out okay.
That's how it goes in the wild wild west.
Well, I'm a bad ass cowboy Living in the cowboy days
Wiki wiki scratch! Yo, yo! Bang, bang
Me and Artemus Clyde Frog gonna save Salma Hayek from the big metal spider
Wiki wiki wik wiki wiki wik Fresh cowboy from the West Side
Wiki wiki scratch! Yo, yo! Bang, bang
Me and Artemus Clyde Frog gonna save Salma from Polly Prissy Pants
Going down to... With Rumpertumskin